Defining Moments

If I have learned anything in life it is that we are defined by different moments in our lives. We go through things that mold and shape up into the individuals we are. It is why we are always changing, growing, learning. Some of our experiences are better or worse than others, heck some are stronger than others. They are built to withstand more. One thing that's the same is the impact these things leave in our lives, either good or bad. Hurt is hurt, pain is pain, joy is joy, and so on. I have been through quite a few of these defining moments in my life, things that have molded me into the person I am today. Some things are not meant to be shared while others are.... I was 14 years old and it was a Saturday. I was super excited my best friend Kelly was coming over to go bowling and spend the night. Kelly, my sister Gayleen, and I got all done up (who knew what cute boys we would see). Kelly had left some things at home she wanted to wear so we headed over to her house only to find her parents weren't home. So we did what all teenage girls do needing that outfit we really want to wear, got on each others backs and broke into the bedroom window. Luckily it was unlocked. We head over to the bowling alley only to find it was packed out and we would have to wait 4 plus hours to bowl. No worries though we were just happy to be out. We had a great time that night, hanging out, eating, talking to boys, just being teenage girls. My mom picked us up and we headed home. My older brother Jeremiah was also having a friend spend the night so we stayed up to wee hours (3am to be exact) in the morning just talking, hanging out, watching the movie Big Daddy. As we settled in to go to sleep downstairs in my room we look up at the ceiling and saw a cockroach and decided sleeping upstairs in the living room would be much safer. I fell asleep and Kelly stayed up a little longer hanging out with my brother and his friend. It was a Saturday night so we had plans to go to church Sunday. My mom woke me up at 7:30 that next morning telling me to go get ready for church, I could hear the shower running downstairs and took my time getting down there figuring Kelly was already in the shower. As I was going down there I could hear my alarm buzzing so went and turned it off. At this point it had been 15 min or so and the water was still running. Wondering what Kelly was doing I decided to go check. Little did I know that my life would change that next second, we rarely see it coming. I walked to the bathroom to find the door open and my best friend halfway floating in the slowly building water. I picked her up and laid her down. My mom was a registered nurse and always knew what to do so I ran screaming for her. She performed CPR while my brother called 911, all the while my family had gathered around. Kelly passed away that morning, she had a seizer after turning on the water for her shower and drowned in the growing water. The drain wasn't even up, I imagine it was just clogged. The worst part was to come, the phone call to her parents. Seeing her devastated, heartbroken parents curled up on our front yard was a sight that left it's mark on my heart. Parents should not have to bury children, it's just not the natural order. So as with any of us that lose someone we love we go through the what if's and guilt. What if I never would've invited Kelly over to spend the night that night, what is that cockroach wouldn't have driven us out of my room my alarm would've woken me up, what if I would have just gotten right up when my mom told me to I may have made it in time. I could've prevented this. It's the story we tell ourselves. After losing Kelly my life took quite the turn. Gone was the medals and trophies I earned in the multiple sports I played and in it's place was partying and drugs. I used my experience as an excuse, a temporary fix for dealing with life. I learned a great lesson, it is not these moments that define us but how we react to them. We are products of our choices. I have learned a great deal from that time in my life and it prepared me well for what was to come. We don't always understand the why's behind these events but we do choose how we learn and grow from them. Don't let the anger destroy you. Take what you have learned and try to help others in the same situation. Be exactly what you needed in your greatest time of need. Honor those you have lost.

Identity crisis: To all the moms and moms to be

To all the Moms (and future moms) let's all bring ourselves to the past, present, or future. It's getting to be time, the time your life is about to change. You have dreamed and imagined this moment for most of your life. It's going to be amazing, and even though your belly is about to explode and all these crazy things have happened with your body you don't care. You are about to have a beautiful baby. He/she is going to make your life complete. It's going to be great, you get to hold them, dress them in the cutest outfits, take them out to show them off, life is going to be perfect from here on out (to all the seasoned moms out there I imagine your chuckling at this point). Haha, oh boy was I a fool!! Don't get me wrong when I first had Bradley my life was roses. I got to hold and snuggle this beautiful boy I was already madly in love with. I even got to push a button every time I needed something. I was the mom who let my newborn sleep in the nursery. Life was amazing for those 2 days. Then we get home and reality sets in. Sleepless nights, eat, poop, pee (sometimes on you), spit up, diaper change, burp, sleep, cry, take care of all the little newborn things, then do it again. Over and over and over again. All the while let's not forget about ourselves. We just gave birth, are trying to recover, constantly engorged, and your hormones are so out of control you barely know who you are anymore. (If this was not you than thank your lucky stars:). Lol, our poor husbands!! Then there is this guilt , why am I feeling this way I just received a gift straight from God Himself. We love this baby so much but can't figure out what's wrong with us. We are having an identity crisis, our lives are no longer our own. We figure it out through, don't we? We change, we stop living for ourself and start living for them. We are the  most unselfish beings on Earth. Now let's fast forward. Are kids are older and we start doing the "mom" things. Park, play dates, ect. We  are around other moms and let's face it constantly beating ourselves up. Always comparing ourselves to each other from parenting styles to  appearances. Why are we so hard on each other?  I get that it's partly in our nature but the bottom line is that we are all the same. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Why is there so much pressure on us in today's society? Do our children really care what designer outfit they have on or whether that kid is bigger than them, smarter than them? No, so why keep adding this added pressure to our already overflowing lives? This is the time to take a lesson from our children. We all hold the highest calling. We are in charge of lives. It is our duty to mold, shape, and teach our children. Let's stop with all the nonsense and support one another.. We are all equally important, key word EQUAL. So as I wrap this up for today remember that. Strive to be what our children think we are, amazing!!

Finally making the plunge

So today I am finally making the plunge. I have been wanting to create a blog for years now and decided to make the jump today, plus I know everyone is just dying to hear from me :). My number one motivating factor in this is for my children. Having lost my Mom and in turn losing such a big part of myself, I would've given anything for my mom to have left behind a journal or something similar for my family and I to remember her by. She is missed so much. So I want to leave something for my kids if something was to ever happen to me and what greater way since we know what's put online stays there (or so they say). My other reason is to reach out to others like me, Moms. We dedicate so much of ourselves to our kids, spouse, and everyone else who is pulling on our coat strings and we forget about ourselves. We sometimes get lost in this "thing we call life". So I'm here to be real with the taboos of society and hopefully to help others on the way. One warning though for all the grammar police out there, if I misspell something that my spell check doesn't pick up on and it takes too long to fix it's going to stay. Fortunately I have much bigger problems than incorrect grammar or punctuation. So that being cleared up I really do hope that through sharing some of my thoughts and experiences in life that I can help and encourage others. Since I am on a time crunch this morning I will briefly share a few things about myself. I was born the 6th child of 11 children (talk about middle child syndrome). All 11 of us are from the same parents and there are no twins. I had an awesome childhood and never remember a time I was alone. My mom was always so proud of all of us, her tombstone reads "parents of 11 children". We were her biggest accomplishment in life. I am married to a great guy (Scott) who has stood by my side for almost 10 years of marriage. I am only 28 so I am super proud of that almost 10 years. Together we have 3 kids and my youngest sister "Siah" who has lived with us for the past 3 years. Bradley my oldest is 7, he's the best son a mom could ask for (of course aren't all of our kids) he is a sweet, sensitive, handsome, talented kid. He is super smart and very creative. He will probably be the one to take care of Scott and I one day. Aubrey  who is 5 is my middle child, she is my mini me. She keeps us laughing, loves babies, likes to take care of others, gives lots of love, and has a great heart. She has already started putting on her own makeup (and is surprisingly good at it) but can take care of herself. I see a lot of myself in her. Abigail who's 3 is my baby. Sweet, fun loving, biggest daddy's girl around, and has a great imagination. She is always pretending to be someone else and loves to make us laugh. Sariah who's 16 is my baby sister. She beautiful, smart, thinks she's a professional race car driver, and loves boys (granted who didn't at that age). She is an honor roll student and we are very proud of her. While my life is so far from perfect , my family is. They are perfect for me, they make my world go round and give the best roller coaster rides. That's what life is all about though, enjoying the ride....